Meet The College Professor
September 4, 2011#1) America for Immigrants (and New Borns): Guidos
August 30, 2011There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.
This week’s subject: New Jersey Sicilians. More specifically, the Guido species (Newjerseyus Trashus).
Let’s get to know them, shall we?
1. What They Look Like
The New Jersey Guido can be identified most easily for its distinctive hairstyle, the Blow-Out. Which consists of shaving off the sideburns and gelling the hair into spikes [shown below in Fig 1.1].
The Guido can also be spotted for its noticeably dark, spray tan [pictured below in Fig 1.2].
Other common traits of the Guido include wife beater t-shirts, steroid-enhanced muscles, and a large jaw-line [see Fig 1.3 below].
2. Where To Find Them
When the Guido is not posting pictures or videos of himself and his friends on the internet, he can be found in the dance clubs of the New Jersey Shore [pictured below Fig 2.1].
Other locations to spot Guidos include construction sites, plumbing services, and clubs (as bouncers)
#22) America for Immigrants (and New Borns): Stand-up Comedians
August 27, 2011There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country for newborns and immigrants with a series called, America for Immigrants (and New Borns).
Last week, we examined the College Professor (Academicus Pretentious). But this week, we meet the Stand-up Comedian (What’sTheDealus WithThatus?)
Description
The Stand-up Comedian comes in several types, from obese and short to black and jewish. However, they can all be easily identified for their permanently goofy faces. [illustrated in Fig. 1.1]
The Stand-up Comedian can also be spotted for its distinctively unflattering clothes. [see Fig. 1.2 below]
Habitat
The Stand-up Comedian can be found in the dive bars, VFWs, comedy clubs, and generally anywhere with a red-brick wall and a microphone. [pictured below in Fig. 2.1]
Hobbies
The Stand-up Comedian can be found chain smoking, excessive drinking, working their jokes into casual conversations, trying too hard to be funny, making mildly accurate observations about waiting rooms, trail mix, and airplane food. [shown in Fig. 3.1]
The Stand-up Comedian is also known for fitting their jokes into casual conversations, talking obsessively about pop culture, and pretending to be Bill Hicks. [pictured in Fig. 3.2]
Other common hobbies of the Stand-up Comedian include making light of their dysfunctional families, and being purposely offensive to get a reaction. [illustrated in Fig. 3.3]
How To Approach One
The Stand-up Comedian is generally a very friendly creature, often to the point of not criticizing their own kind because they think it will help their careers. However, be warned: when approaching one, make sure to tell him he’s funny [see Fig 4.1 for example]
Fun Facts
It takes 3 Stand-up Comedians to change a light bulb: one to write a joke about it, one to steal the joke, and one to accuse him of stealing the joke then re-word it and use it as his own.
Bohemian Faggotry
January 12, 2009Dear Mr. Hipster Record Store Clerk,
Thank you for judging me on the CD I bought yesterday. Our passive-aggressive altercation made me realize how conformist I am for buying a Rage Against The Machine album. Your condescension was just the intellectual wake-up call I needed.
My eyes were opened in a new way. Thanks to you, I now realize that the key to enlightenment is reading Pitchfork, watching High Fidelity, listening to Velvet Underground, having a tattoo of a star on the inside of my wrist, growing an ironic mustache, living in Brooklyn, and wearing a too-small sweater, multi-colored 70′s ski-vest, chunky plastic-frame glasses, a high school sports T-shirt, air-tight black jeans, and Nixon-era Chuck Taylors.
I had it all wrong, man. You showed me that a skilled job and a comfortable living is just a lie. I need to go to art school, have my parents pay my rent, join a Joy Division-cover band, and wait for a record deal, like you. I’m totally missing out in life.
So thanks again for mocking me. I mean, at first I thought you were just a frustrated musician trying to feel better about yourself. But now I see you’re an uncompromising visionary.
No one will ever understand you. You’re so different.
Signed,
Everyone Like You
I’m Barack Obama, and I approved this message
November 1, 2008
I’m John McCain, and I approved this message
October 30, 2008
Other Fun Stuff Happening in America
October 22, 2008
#21) America for Immigrants (and New Borns): College Professors
September 4, 2008There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country for newborns and immigrants with a series called, America for Immigrants (and New Borns).
Last week, we examined the NASCAR Fan (Circle-Lapus Retardus). But this week, we meet the College Professor (Academicus Pretentious).
1. Description
The american College Professor comes in many shapes and sizes, but is known distinctively for its humorless expression, permanently snubbed nose, and philosophical rhetoric [illustrated in Fig 1.1].
Other common attributes of the College Professor include wearing oxford shirts with tweed sports coats [pictured below in Fig 1.2].
2. Habitat
When the College Professor is not in and around universities across the country, it can be found at Starbucks, libraries, and academic panel forums [pictured in Fig 2.1].
The College Professor can also be spotted at co-ed parties and protest rallies [see Fig 2.2].
3. Hobbies
The american College Professor has many hobbies, among which include having free time, being failed rock stars, growing beards, and drinking wine [example shown in Fig 3.1]
The College Professor is also know for using academic language to desperately validate their education, riding bicycles, being feminists, and publishing books [illustrated in Fig 3.2]
Other common hobbies of the College Professor include smoking clove cigarettes, failing in their non-academic pursuits, trying to be hip, reading turn-of-the-century European philosophy, and believing in equal opportunity [see Fig 3.3]
4. How to Approach Him
The College Professor is a friendly creature, but be warned on approaching one: if anything positive is said about oil and/or negative about Al Gore, the College Professor will become verbally hostile toward you. as it believes that an advanced degree in anything, makes them an expert on everything.
So be sure to ask the College Professor lots of questions (it loves to talk) and mention how much you respect Karl Marx.
5. Fun Facts
It takes 3 College Professors to change a light bulb. One to go on sabbatical, one to write a book about the socio-political impact that changing the light bulb will have, and one to get its TA to do it.
#20) America for Immigrants (and New Borns): Nascar Fans
August 24, 2008There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country for newborns and immigrants with a series called, America for Immigrants (and New Borns).
Last week, we examined the Metrosexual. But this week, we meet the NASCAR Fan (Circle-Lapus Retardus).
1. Description
The Nascar Fan comes in many shapes and sizes, but can be easily spotted for its distinctive white skin, neck tan, and tight sleeveless shirts [illustrated in Fig 1.1].
The Nascar Fan can also be identified for its zoobazz pants, acid wash jeans, and multi-colored hats and jackets [see Fig 1.2].
2. Habitat
The NASCAR fan can most notably be found in the rural suburbs of the Midwest and Southern states of America. But he can also be spotted in landscaping equipment trucks and tractor trailors [see picture 2.1].
The Nascar Fan can also be found anywhere deer can be hunted.
3. Hobbies
The Nascar Fan has several hobbies, among which include driving pick-up trucks, owning malnutritioned dogs, and drinking domestic beer [see Fig 3.1].
The Nascar Fan is also known for watching car crashes and chewing tobacco [illustrated in Fig 3.2].
If the Nascar Fan isn’t doing any of these he can be spotted disliking homosexuals, not attending college, and loving Jesus [pictured in Fig 3.3].
Other common hobbies of the Nascar Fan include watching Spike TV and taking stimulants [see Fig 3.4].
4. How To Approach Him
The Nascar Fan can be a friendly person, so make sure to say hi sometime. But be warned: The Nascar Fan loves his favorite sport, so make sure you say something about hating Jeff Gordon and then mention how much you love the purity of the sport.
5. Fun Facts
It takes 3 Nascar Fans to change a light bulb: one to change the bulb, and two to tailgate in the parking lot.
#19) America for Immigrants (and New Borns): Metrosexuals
August 7, 2008There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country for newborns and immigrants with a series called, America for Immigrants (and New Borns).
Last week, we examined Gothic Teenagers. But this week, we meet the Metrosexual (Faux-Hawkus Maleus).
1. Description
The Metrosexual can be easily identified in America for its distinctive hairstyle: the Faux-Hawk. Which consists of trimming the hair short on the sides, and gelling it straight up in the center. [as illustrated in Fig 1.1]
The Metrosexual can also be spotted for its hairless bodies, manicured nails, heavily moisturized faces, yoga-fit bodies, and designer clothing, shoes, purses, and sunglasses. [pictured in Fig 1.2]
2. Habitat
The Metrosexual can be found in every major city in America, but it is most often found here: [see Fig 2.1]
Other locations to find Metrosexuals include every bar & club with a cover charge, any place with straight men who are desperate to be attractive to women, and high-end clothing stores. [illustrated in Fig 2.1]
3. Hobbies
The American Metrosexual can be found doing many things, but he is most commonly spotted shopping, counting calories, color-coordinating their outfits, and reading mens’ magazines. [see an example in Fig 3.1]
The Metrosexual is also known for driving Audis, drinking Vitamin Water, owning Apple products, throwing dinner parties, and watching MLS soccer games. [pictured below in Fig 3.2]
Other common hobbies of the Metrosexual include having their friends question their sexuality, watching Dane Cook specials… [pictured in Fig 3.3]
…In addition to using two or more types of hair products and moisturizers, and buying things they don’t need. [see Fig 3.4]
4. How to Approach Him
The Metrosexual is an extremely friendly person, so make sure you say hi sometime. However, a warning: when approaching one, make sure you mention how much you like European culture and Ryan Seacrest, the first documented human Metrosexual.
5. Fun Facts
It takes 3 Metrosexuals to change a light bulb: one to go shopping, one to redecorate the living room, and one to screw it in so they can see themselves in the mirror.
